[Shinjiro just...presses a couple fingers against the bridge of his nose, already feeling like he's getting a migraine, even though that's not true.]
Aki.
[Just that name, at first, the weight of it all but commanding him to stop.]
Nobody can babysit me all day, and more wishing ain't gonna dig us back out of this. I stacked my wish on top of yours, there's no telling if he'll just slingshot back to you if I try to give him up now.
[He shakes his head.]
The most I can promise is I won't take 'em unless it's an emergency. With the way shit works around here, you or I probably won't even be around long enough for me gettin' sick again to be an issue.
[He should leave it at that, but there's another thing that gnaws at him, here, and if he doesn't address it, it'll only fester --]
...Even if we were, this place isn't meant for long-term. You got a life to get back to. And this fucked up magical torture zoo ... ain't somewhere I wanna build a new one.
[ At the sound of his diminutive name, Aki does stop. Stops talking, stops moving his hands, and goes still. While Shinjiro speaks he finally turns to face him, pulling the t-shirt he's been wearing back on as he listens.
Only in an emergency.
That has to be enough for him - but it isn't. He's already shaking his head; before he can say anything, Shinji continues.
There's something hurt that crosses his face at that. He should be happy that Shinji's given any thought to building a future, but of course he has to bring up the other thing. ]
I know that.
[ He grits out the words as he stands up, hands balled tightly into fists at his sides. ]
I know I have to keep going on without you. You think I don't think about that every day? That I'm pretending to just forget what happened?
[ He seems genuinely angry now. ]
That doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you here - however long it is.
And what if it is long enough to kill you? Some people have already been here two years!
Then I'll come back. That's a luxury the locals don't have.
[A flat, dispassionate statement. It's not that he's unsympathetic to how hard this is for Aki. He's tried to hold space in his heart for the guilt he has about how he treated Aki and Mitsuru, too -- the way that despite all his best intentions and efforts, he'd left a scar in their hearts every bit as large as the one in Amada's.
It's just that when it comes to accountability in these matters ... feelings have never held priority. He can't be considerate of Aki's grief and leave himself without any guardrails in case he loses hold of Castor.
He breathes out the frustration, closing his eyes for a second before he meets his old friend's gaze, steel and fire in them again, maybe for the first time since they've been here together.]
Do you think I don't know that, dumbass? That you lay awake at night torturing yourself, desperately tryin' to think of some way to take me with you? That I've never heard you crying in the bathroom with the water running?
[He's never acknowledged it before. Has pretended he hadn't heard, didn't know. It was easier that way. They both had their pride.]
Look me in the eye and tell me if a way home opened tomorrow, you'd walk away from me without looking back. Until you can do that...you gotta watch yourself. Or you'll get sucked in before you know it, ready to trade away your future for more time with a ghost.
Edited 2025-07-08 09:17 (UTC)
me when i wrote oyakudon starter: almost fight. me now: we'll be lucky if nobody gets punched
[ Akihiko grinds his teeth even more, the tendons of his jaw flexing visibly. The laying awake comment is a low blow; yes, he's cried, but he hasn't been losing sleep trying to find a way to bring Shinji back with him.
He does look Shinjiro in the eyes, shining with that almost preternatural green undercurrent usually seen only in the dark hour. ]
You think given staying here, or going home to stop whatever bullshit Ikutsuki unleashed that might end up with more people dead, I'd stay here?
[ He misses Shinji desperately. Being here is like reopening a wound he never fully set. What he's really pissed off about, though is - ]
You made yourself a ghost!
[ He swipes a hand through the air - he's not close enough to hit Shinji, but it's clear he's so frustrated the energy has to expend itself in some movement. ]
You decided to kill yourself instead of - instead of letting anyone help you! It didn't have to be me! It could have been anyone! Instead you fucking martyred yourself!
[ He stops short after saying that, closing his eyes, trembling with anger. ]
Don't talk like you know what's best for me. You lost that right when you decided being gone for the rest of my life was your answer. The last of the family I had, because that was the way it should be, according to you.
Edited (i made him angrier) 2025-07-08 16:52 (UTC)
[Akihiko swipes at the air, but Shinjiro doesn't; he grabs at his friend's collar, knuckles practically white in his grip.]
Yeah, I do think that! You couldn't let me go when I was alive, why the hell would I think you could now?!
[His own teeth grind, fingers tightening, before he lets go, shoving Aki back.]
Who the fuck was gonna help me, idiot? Who could? It was the same situation we're in now, except back then it was a secret to everyone except us, and having him in my head wasn't anyone's choice!
[He knows Aki feels guilty, but Shinjiro didn't want this, either. He'd been free of the burden until now, and he intended to bear it again without complaint, having made the choice with his eyes open, but now he just feels angry.]
You're so full of shit. Don't talk like I know what's best for you? You've been actin' like you know exactly how to fix me for two years. You're so stuck in wanting to fix me you thought a different Persona would be all I needed!
[He's shaking, a little. Honestly, he's scared; there is no way out, here. He cannot even die anymore. This danger is bound to his soul, and he to this place, for the foreseeable, indefinite future. The latter was intimidating even without Castor's presence, just living with the weight of his mistakes and sins, the notion of trying to live at all.]
Instead I'm just--stuck. All I can do...is try to make the danger "worth it", whatever...the fuck that means.
[It was never worth it to him, back then. The thought of ever losing control again, of hurting more people, was overwhelming. The best way to prevent it was to end himself. Now...there's nothing else to do but live with that fear...and somehow keep living, if it happens again.]
Edited 2025-07-08 23:07 (UTC)
on nyx i'm willing for it but here's Caesar trying to help in his own way
[ It's a truth Akihiko has known, but not been able to articulate until just now, realization threading through him like electricity: he doesn't want to let go of Shinji.
Not in the sense that he's determined to find a way to save him; but in the sense that the idea of forgetting his friend is unbearable. So what if he carries Shinjiro with him, the same as Miki? He's not letting it hold him back now, too scared to do what he needs to. He's not too scared to admit he's out of his depth and ask for help, now.
He stumbles back where he's shoved, legs hitting the table he'd been sitting at, drawing himself up. It'd be so easy to listen to the anger boiling in his blood, to answer the call of that same emotion in Shinjiro's. Poly would have let him, brother against brother; instead it's like there's a warm hand on his shoulders, trying to tell him to pull back. To take a breath and listen.
So he does that, watching Shinjiro warily. Listens to what he says - he's not wrong. Maybe Akihiko would quibble over the wording but in the end he was trying to fix Shinjiro, as clumsily as he could.
When Shinji says he's stuck it's like he lets the air out of Akihiko. Where his shoulders had been tensed up they fall suddenly; his fists are still clenched, but he unbends his elbows from where he'd half-fallen into a fighting stand. ]
I -
[ Fuck, what does he even say? He wants to hit something, or to run until he feels hollowed out. But it feels like those phantom hands on his shoulders are forcing him to stay here. ]
I know I couldn't fix it but you can't blame me for not wanting to give up. Even if it ended at the suppressants I wanted you to try.
[ His voice cracks a little, frustration and sadness warring. ]
There's so many people here, Shinji. One of them might be able to help. If none of them can then - yeah I know why you'd take the suppressants, and I wouldn't stop you. I don't want you to go through it again.
[ He looks away. ]
I want to fight for you because I know it's a lot to ask when you're just trying to survive. I want to help - and forgetting about you isn't going to help either of us. You think I could just do that anyways?
[ He's still angry, trembling with it, but he's visibly making an effort not to fall into fisticuffs. ]
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no subject
Aki.
[Just that name, at first, the weight of it all but commanding him to stop.]
Nobody can babysit me all day, and more wishing ain't gonna dig us back out of this. I stacked my wish on top of yours, there's no telling if he'll just slingshot back to you if I try to give him up now.
[He shakes his head.]
The most I can promise is I won't take 'em unless it's an emergency. With the way shit works around here, you or I probably won't even be around long enough for me gettin' sick again to be an issue.
[He should leave it at that, but there's another thing that gnaws at him, here, and if he doesn't address it, it'll only fester --]
...Even if we were, this place isn't meant for long-term. You got a life to get back to. And this fucked up magical torture zoo ... ain't somewhere I wanna build a new one.
me getting into bed: wait, one more
Only in an emergency.
That has to be enough for him - but it isn't. He's already shaking his head; before he can say anything, Shinji continues.
There's something hurt that crosses his face at that. He should be happy that Shinji's given any thought to building a future, but of course he has to bring up the other thing. ]
I know that.
[ He grits out the words as he stands up, hands balled tightly into fists at his sides. ]
I know I have to keep going on without you. You think I don't think about that every day? That I'm pretending to just forget what happened?
[ He seems genuinely angry now. ]
That doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you here - however long it is.
And what if it is long enough to kill you? Some people have already been here two years!
hehehe
[A flat, dispassionate statement. It's not that he's unsympathetic to how hard this is for Aki. He's tried to hold space in his heart for the guilt he has about how he treated Aki and Mitsuru, too -- the way that despite all his best intentions and efforts, he'd left a scar in their hearts every bit as large as the one in Amada's.
It's just that when it comes to accountability in these matters ... feelings have never held priority. He can't be considerate of Aki's grief and leave himself without any guardrails in case he loses hold of Castor.
He breathes out the frustration, closing his eyes for a second before he meets his old friend's gaze, steel and fire in them again, maybe for the first time since they've been here together.]
Do you think I don't know that, dumbass? That you lay awake at night torturing yourself, desperately tryin' to think of some way to take me with you? That I've never heard you crying in the bathroom with the water running?
[He's never acknowledged it before. Has pretended he hadn't heard, didn't know. It was easier that way. They both had their pride.]
Look me in the eye and tell me if a way home opened tomorrow, you'd walk away from me without looking back. Until you can do that...you gotta watch yourself. Or you'll get sucked in before you know it, ready to trade away your future for more time with a ghost.
me when i wrote oyakudon starter: almost fight. me now: we'll be lucky if nobody gets punched
He does look Shinjiro in the eyes, shining with that almost preternatural green undercurrent usually seen only in the dark hour. ]
You think given staying here, or going home to stop whatever bullshit Ikutsuki unleashed that might end up with more people dead, I'd stay here?
[ He misses Shinji desperately. Being here is like reopening a wound he never fully set. What he's really pissed off about, though is - ]
You made yourself a ghost!
[ He swipes a hand through the air - he's not close enough to hit Shinji, but it's clear he's so frustrated the energy has to expend itself in some movement. ]
You decided to kill yourself instead of - instead of letting anyone help you! It didn't have to be me! It could have been anyone! Instead you fucking martyred yourself!
[ He stops short after saying that, closing his eyes, trembling with anger. ]
Don't talk like you know what's best for me. You lost that right when you decided being gone for the rest of my life was your answer. The last of the family I had, because that was the way it should be, according to you.
lmao someone probably will be
Yeah, I do think that! You couldn't let me go when I was alive, why the hell would I think you could now?!
[His own teeth grind, fingers tightening, before he lets go, shoving Aki back.]
Who the fuck was gonna help me, idiot? Who could? It was the same situation we're in now, except back then it was a secret to everyone except us, and having him in my head wasn't anyone's choice!
[He knows Aki feels guilty, but Shinjiro didn't want this, either. He'd been free of the burden until now, and he intended to bear it again without complaint, having made the choice with his eyes open, but now he just feels angry.]
You're so full of shit. Don't talk like I know what's best for you? You've been actin' like you know exactly how to fix me for two years. You're so stuck in wanting to fix me you thought a different Persona would be all I needed!
[He's shaking, a little. Honestly, he's scared; there is no way out, here. He cannot even die anymore. This danger is bound to his soul, and he to this place, for the foreseeable, indefinite future. The latter was intimidating even without Castor's presence, just living with the weight of his mistakes and sins, the notion of trying to live at all.]
Instead I'm just--stuck. All I can do...is try to make the danger "worth it", whatever...the fuck that means.
[It was never worth it to him, back then. The thought of ever losing control again, of hurting more people, was overwhelming. The best way to prevent it was to end himself. Now...there's nothing else to do but live with that fear...and somehow keep living, if it happens again.]
on nyx i'm willing for it but here's Caesar trying to help in his own way
Not in the sense that he's determined to find a way to save him; but in the sense that the idea of forgetting his friend is unbearable. So what if he carries Shinjiro with him, the same as Miki? He's not letting it hold him back now, too scared to do what he needs to. He's not too scared to admit he's out of his depth and ask for help, now.
He stumbles back where he's shoved, legs hitting the table he'd been sitting at, drawing himself up. It'd be so easy to listen to the anger boiling in his blood, to answer the call of that same emotion in Shinjiro's. Poly would have let him, brother against brother; instead it's like there's a warm hand on his shoulders, trying to tell him to pull back. To take a breath and listen.
So he does that, watching Shinjiro warily. Listens to what he says - he's not wrong. Maybe Akihiko would quibble over the wording but in the end he was trying to fix Shinjiro, as clumsily as he could.
When Shinji says he's stuck it's like he lets the air out of Akihiko. Where his shoulders had been tensed up they fall suddenly; his fists are still clenched, but he unbends his elbows from where he'd half-fallen into a fighting stand. ]
I -
[ Fuck, what does he even say? He wants to hit something, or to run until he feels hollowed out. But it feels like those phantom hands on his shoulders are forcing him to stay here. ]
I know I couldn't fix it but you can't blame me for not wanting to give up. Even if it ended at the suppressants I wanted you to try.
[ His voice cracks a little, frustration and sadness warring. ]
There's so many people here, Shinji. One of them might be able to help. If none of them can then - yeah I know why you'd take the suppressants, and I wouldn't stop you. I don't want you to go through it again.
[ He looks away. ]
I want to fight for you because I know it's a lot to ask when you're just trying to survive. I want to help - and forgetting about you isn't going to help either of us. You think I could just do that anyways?
[ He's still angry, trembling with it, but he's visibly making an effort not to fall into fisticuffs. ]