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[petsthedog]

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[pedagogies]

Because it's relevant.

[ smooth as always. qifrey isn't fussed because he knows his true death will be far worse than this. right now, he has to do what he can. and this is his calling. ]

This is what life is about. My calling, regardless of what state I'm in, is to teach and to aid. Whether I'm good at it or not doesn't matter as much as I try and continue to try. And every attempt brings me closer.

So. Regardless of what your life turned out, what is it you want to do with it? You have a chance to try and heal others.

[petsthedog]

[His calling ... he thinks of a promise made with Aki in the shadows of a burning building, a life claimed far too early. Become strong enough to do what's right. He's always ... wanted to do good. Back then, the scale had been so small -- he wanted to watch his best friend's back while they fought to keep people safe from the Shadows.

But after everything fell apart, he's never been able to grasp it again, that sense of doing what's right. He's tried, he tried so hard to make amends for his mistakes, but it only ever seemed to dig him deeper into the muck. Even his own death, the only "good" thing he feels he's ever accomplished, hadn't been without consequence. The past five months have given him far too much time to think about those last moments, the way Amada had screamed, the look on Aki's face as he held his bloody hand. To give his life for the kid's had felt like a better end than he deserved, and it still does, for the most part, but ...

It had hurt people he cared about and people he barely knew both. That's always how it seems to go, with him.

His hands threaten to shake. He shoves them in his pockets to stop them.]

...It's a nice idea, Qifrey. But some of us just ain't meant for shit like that. We just make things worse, whatever we try to do.

[The only thing calling him is being a failure, he's pretty sure. He's so ... tired.]

[pedagogies]

Oh?

[ his tone is so deliberately light. ]

Did God say so?

[petsthedog]

[Ugh. Shinjiro makes a face.]

Funny.

[A soft huff.]

Fuck up enough shit for people and you don't need God to tell you to stop. More like common sense.

[pedagogies]

And?

I fail to see how it is proof. Who said so? You mention people but has anyone directly said that to you?

[petsthedog]

Doesn't gotta be said to be true.

[Arguably, someone wanting to try to kill you for revenge is as good as having said it, but he's not about to bring that up under the circumstances here. In a surprise twist, Shinjiro is capable of basic tact.]

[pedagogies]

I see!

Then I deserved to die! Because it's the truth!

[ see how stupid that sounds. ]

[petsthedog]

[--One can practically hear the record scratch in his head.]

What the hell??

[pedagogies]

Since the truth is simply something you can state, my comment is true, is it not?

[petsthedog]

Don't be stupid. What's true is true whether anyone says it or not, but that doesn't mean everything anyone ever says is true.

[He makes an irritated noise.]

Every good thing I've ever tried to do has gone to shit. That ain't an opinion.

[pedagogies]

It goes badly because you give up.

And the reason it is true is because you won't fight for it. The only person who is saying those things is you. An echo chamber of your worst feelings.

[petsthedog]

[His breath stutters in his throat; he clenches his hands tighter as though to physically hold onto his composure.]

You got it backwards. Would you keep pourin' water onto a grease fire just to say you stuck it out? Stepping back just makes more sense, after a point.

[But he can never seem to just walk away from the fire, can he? He keeps coming back, drawn to it like a moth, and burning himself, over and over.]

[pedagogies]

Perhaps. There is a limit to how much a person can take.

But again, you refuse to try something different. If fighting is what goes wrong, why must it be true for everything else?

[ qifrey gestures to shinji's kitchen. ]

You still cook. Are you saying every meal you make is torrid now?

[petsthedog]

[He blinks, almost startled to have it brought up.]

That's not...it's just a hobby. I ain't out here runnin' a soup kitchen or some shit.

[pedagogies]

It's still something you succeed in, is it not?

[petsthedog]

It ain’t the same kind of thing.

[Apples and oranges as it were, pun unintended.]

It…ain’t something that matters.

[pedagogies]

[ qifrey's eye narrows a fraction. ]

So the only power that matters, power to change things, is violence.

Not feeding the hungry. And not healing people.

[petsthedog]

"Feeding the hungry"'s a dramatic way to put it. We made pancakes together, once. I made udon for Doc Maruki as a thanks once. That's it.

[Healing ... is something that would matter. But it's precisely why he doesn't trust himself to do it.]

[pedagogies]

Oh?

Then why did you learn it?

[petsthedog]

...I don't know, it was fun, I guess?

[He did used to do some things simply for the joy of it, once upon a time.]

[pedagogies]

[ gently. ]

Yes, I imagine so. But there was a need for it, wasn't there?

[petsthedog]

You're givin' me too much credit. It's a useful skill, sure, but it ain't like I picked it up so I could feed people. Just wanted to be self-sufficient, really.

[He shakes his head, a handcoming up to rub at his neck.]

Hell, it ain't even something I used to tell people about much.

[pedagogies]

Because you treat it that way. As something less important than fighting. And protecting.

But it's not true. Other skills have value. And they can absolve you if you let them.