[He ... doesn't take it well. After Qifrey's death, Shinjiro stumbles back to his own apartment in a daze, the older man's crystal in hand, and all but collapses on the couch when he gets there. The next couple days pass in a haze; if it weren't for Nao's break-in during that time, he'd probably still just be sitting there in the dark zoned out by the time Qifrey arrives.
Even now, it takes a while before there's any response, and Shinjiro looks -- worse for wear, like he hasn't slept much recently. He opens the door without checking who's there, halfway through a cranky answer--]
You don't gotta check up on me again, Mizushita, I told you m'fine. Least you ain't breakin' in this--
[...]
[Oh.]
[It really is true, then. Death has no hold over this world at all. Qifrey stands there intact and uninjured, just as he was when he woke up in the garden. Shinjiro stares at him, deer-in-headlights.
[Automatic, a kneejerk reflex, but he hesitates a moment later. It was only a few weeks ago that they agreed to be honest with each other, on this very doorstep.
He doesn't want to, though. It seems shitty, to dump it on him. Qifrey's the one who died; his feelings hardly matter in that equation. After a moment, he shakes his head, taking back his words.]
It's not important, don't worry about it.
[Hastily, he starts rummaging in a pocket, before he digs out something that sparkles as it catches the sunlight.]
[The consideration leveled at him makes his stomach twist and churn. They promised to take care of each other, but isn't Shinjiro the first one who failed? Qifrey isn't the one who put him through something terrible. He's the one who fucked everything up, like he always does. If he weren't such a coward, he would've asked for his Persona back by now. Instead, he chose to be dead weight.
[When he'd arrived, Qifrey had been marching that creature to wherever it had stashed Vash. Shinjiro doesn't know what he was thinking sticking his own nose into it. It's the same mistake all over again; he never learns his damn lesson about getting involved, apparently.]
The issue's that it wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed out of it.
[He really thought he could defend himself without the need for his Persona, but of course, it'd be a catch 22. Either he's dead weight, or he's dangerous. Why would it ever be anything else? Arrogant and foolish of him, to think he could have it both ways -- to be useful without risk.]
[He sighs, looking off to the side. A hand comes up to rub at his neck.]
I know that I made things more difficult on you, if nothin' else. I've been here five months now. Least I could've done by now was wish for a weapon or something.
[Nothing had mattered much when he'd first arrived. By the time it did, the dangers that he expected weren't of the variety one could fight. He's gotten complacent, without the Dark Hour haunting his every night.]
[He really wishes people would stop asking him that. The only things he really wants, even now, are to either reach the ending that was taken from him, or get his wish granted in the form of that do over.
He's trying to function in the meantime, though, find something to do with himself throughout all this indefinite existing he's trapped in; there's little that rises to the level of wanting, these days. Mostly, he reaches for "less miserable than otherwise".]
I don't know. Fighting monsters is what I used to do, back home.
...So that's what it does, huh. That's the one they gave me, actually.
[He was always curious, but he didn't trust it. Didn't throw it away either, in case it was ever important. After a moment, he shakes his head.]
Doubt I'd be any good at it, anyway.
[He knows what form his soul takes, after all, and Castor is destructive. It harms even him just to make use of its most basic skills. All he's ever been good for is breaking things, not putting them back together.]
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Even now, it takes a while before there's any response, and Shinjiro looks -- worse for wear, like he hasn't slept much recently. He opens the door without checking who's there, halfway through a cranky answer--]
You don't gotta check up on me again, Mizushita, I told you m'fine. Least you ain't breakin' in this--
[...]
[Oh.]
[It really is true, then. Death has no hold over this world at all. Qifrey stands there intact and uninjured, just as he was when he woke up in the garden. Shinjiro stares at him, deer-in-headlights.
He doesn't know what to say.]
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Aren't you going to let me in . . . ?
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Instead he opens the door wider, steps back. His movements are sluggish, though, like there's a delay on them.]
Sure.
[It sounds oddly brittle.]
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If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding me.
Are you?
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No, I--I didn't know you were back.
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But you must have known it wouldn't be long.
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[He rolls a shoulder -- not quite casual, like he intends, even though it's true. He continues avoiding eye contact.]
...Welcome back.
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[ qifrey eyes him. ]
Are you all right? You seem perturbed.
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[Automatic, a kneejerk reflex, but he hesitates a moment later. It was only a few weeks ago that they agreed to be honest with each other, on this very doorstep.
He doesn't want to, though. It seems shitty, to dump it on him. Qifrey's the one who died; his feelings hardly matter in that equation. After a moment, he shakes his head, taking back his words.]
It's not important, don't worry about it.
[Hastily, he starts rummaging in a pocket, before he digs out something that sparkles as it catches the sunlight.]
I uh, I hung onto your crystal. Here.
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My thanks.
[ a beat. kindly, in a softer tone. ]
It must have been hard. To witness that.
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He should've never gotten involved.]
Dyin' ain't exactly a walk in the park, either.
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[ qifrey keeps his eye on him, frowning. ]
But I think there's more to it than that.
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What more is there? You died saving my ass. The last person you oughta be worryin' about right now is me.
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We're both here now. We can discuss it.
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There's nothing to discuss. It was my fault. If I hadn't showed up, things would've turned out different. You don't need to baby me about it.
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I hardly think that's what happened . . .
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[When he'd arrived, Qifrey had been marching that creature to wherever it had stashed Vash. Shinjiro doesn't know what he was thinking sticking his own nose into it. It's the same mistake all over again; he never learns his damn lesson about getting involved, apparently.]
But then you had to protect me.
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[ qifrey takes a seat, his robes flowing. he straightens them with his palm and gives shinji a long look. ]
Is the issue that I chose to protect someone with my life or that I chose to protect you?
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[He really thought he could defend himself without the need for his Persona, but of course, it'd be a catch 22. Either he's dead weight, or he's dangerous. Why would it ever be anything else? Arrogant and foolish of him, to think he could have it both ways -- to be useful without risk.]
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Changelings are tricky. That one gave me a hard time!
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I know that I made things more difficult on you, if nothin' else. I've been here five months now. Least I could've done by now was wish for a weapon or something.
[Nothing had mattered much when he'd first arrived. By the time it did, the dangers that he expected weren't of the variety one could fight. He's gotten complacent, without the Dark Hour haunting his every night.]
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[ qifrey sighs. ]
Is having a weapon something you want?
cw: passive SI
He's trying to function in the meantime, though, find something to do with himself throughout all this indefinite existing he's trapped in; there's little that rises to the level of wanting, these days. Mostly, he reaches for "less miserable than otherwise".]
I don't know. Fighting monsters is what I used to do, back home.
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Or perhaps you may want to consider the blue potion. Gain a healing power.
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[He was always curious, but he didn't trust it. Didn't throw it away either, in case it was ever important. After a moment, he shakes his head.]
Doubt I'd be any good at it, anyway.
[He knows what form his soul takes, after all, and Castor is destructive. It harms even him just to make use of its most basic skills. All he's ever been good for is breaking things, not putting them back together.]
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